From East to West

Images and music can be powerful tools in your spiritual growth. Today, I was listening to a song by Casting Crowns, East to West. I thought about Jesus hanging on that cross, bloody, beaten, dying. Dying for my sins, my sinfulness. His blood dripping off of Him, sanctifying the ground, sanctifying me. Washing away the sins and transgressions.

I was crushed, crushed to the ground. Heavy weight would not let me stand. The weight of shame, guilt, sorrow. I was on my knees, bent at the waist. I tried to lift my head and look again at my Savior on the cross. I couldn't do it, the weight was too great. I then thought of Him risen, risen in all His glory, bathed in white, strong, almost blinding white light. I am able to lift my head a bit now. There He is! In white, radiance streaming forward and past me. Almost hot, almost too much to look at. Almost too much to bear. How could I have become the man that I was? This is too much for me. I am able to get up off my knee just a  little. The weight is heavy, it is sapping all my strength, my resources.

He reaches His hand to me. Mine reaches toward Him. I am suddenly able to stand.................

Principles before Personalities

Remember, it is principles before personalities. I have forgotten this guiding principle too many times. I have hated AA. I have despised the fellowship. I would look around the rooms and judge people. People who did not live up to what they preached. People who still participated in “bar behaviors” even as the espoused the principles of the program and provided sponsorship. Where did my attitudes get me? Just a different seat on the Titanic.

I went to a meeting last night. When I saw who the lead was I wanted to leave. I have never liked this man but as I stated in a previous post, I am approaching my recovery with a new attitude. I listened to this man’s lead. He has been sober since 1988 and I have only been sober for a couple months. If I listened with an open mind, I might just learn something. His lead was heavy on war stories. I like leads that can combine those war stories with a message of hope, a message of recovery. Did I learn anything from him? While I am still trying to digest and process, I learned he has been sober since 1988.

For me the best part of last night’s meeting was being greeted by an old friend. He said he was happy to see me for 4 straight Saturdays, How nice. The funny thing is I was happy to see him for 4 straight Saturdays. Also, an older gentleman stood up and made a comment which I appreciated so I told him so after the meeting. This is the meeting I walk to and to my surprise, the old gentleman and I walked home the same way. It was just nice.

A New Creation of God

I am a newbie Christian. I, along with my wife, who I currently am separated from, were baptized and became members of the local evangelical church. When I was introduced to the congregation, my buddy, Pastor Harps said, and I swear this is what I heard "Ray is a drunk who will be doing electrical work on our church." Not what he really said. He said I was active in the Recovery Ministry and I would be doing work on the church.

Labels are a funny thing. We put all kinds if labels and signs on ourselves. Some come from that inner, self talk. Others come from what others think of us. Some from our past actions. As an addict, I carry a burden of guilt from my past. All the hurting of others, all my squandering of resources and talents that God has given me.

9/11 just past. The 10th anniversary. 9/11 has always been a hard day for me. Mainly a selfish day. It was always a reminder of what I was, an officer on a big city fire department, and what I had done. I had just before 9/11 lost my job due to use and abuse. I struggled with this for years. Most of us, especially males, derive our identity from the work we do. I have found that with police and firefighters this is more so than the norm.

Anyway, I always had a feeling of impotence around 9/11. Because I had fallen, I could not go to Ground Zero with my colleagues and help out. My wings were broken. Every year around the anniversary, I would be flooded with those same self sorrowful feelings.

This past January, I was baptized and accepted Christ into my life. He has been revealing to me my new and true identity. My friend, who just came back from a year in rehab and is now going on a 2 year mission with Mercy Ship Africa (sponsor him please..go to http://www.mercyships.org/pages/make-a-gift, hit crewmates and type in the name Hatfield). He gave a talk at church and instead of introducing himself as an alcoholic/addict, he introduced himself as 'a new creation in Christ." Those were beautiful words.